Here are the main lessons I look away from Hunter Clarke-Fields’s book, Raising Good Humans:

-Ask yourself what you want for your kids and whether you’re practicing/modelling those things.

-Treat the difficulties of parenting as teachers, instead of annoyances. Think of your child trying to get your attention as a “bell of mindfulness.”

-You’ll be more likely to get cooperation from your child if you first make them feel seen and heard.

-Be more calm and less reactive. Respond with skillful/thoughtful language, not critical words. Think about how you would respond to a friend or a friend’s child. Think about how you would feel if someone spoke to you the way you speak to your kids sometimes. Don’t take for granted that they won’t become resentful. Remember that they have a need to “save face,” just as adults do.

-Use “I-messages,” instead of criticism when addressing uncooperative behavior. Talk about how your child’s behavior is making you feel and the impact it’s having on you. They’ll be less defensive and more empathetic.

-Think about who “owns” the problem. Is the conflict you’re having with your child about his/her problem, or yours? Think about what need your child is trying to fulfill. Think about what need you’re trying to fulfill.

-Think more about how you can come to agreements on things, rather than always issuing orders.

-You don’t have to fix every problem your child is having. Help them solve it. Listening is the most important part.

-There’s usually no need to address inappropriate behavior right away. Give yourself time to calm down first—even a day or two.

-Lower your stress level and your child’s stress level, because neither of you will be able to think rationally if you’re stressed. Avoid things that trigger the stress response in either of you—make sure you’re getting enough sleep, take on fewer commitments, don’t hurry, don’t be too focused on your to-do list.

-Track the things that trigger you. Keep a note of what situations make you yell or want to yell. Name the feeling you’re having and why. Be compassionate and non-judgmental to yourself when you feel this way and when you make mistakes. Don’t excuse it, but don’t beat yourself up either.

-It’s okay to take care of your own needs. Otherwise you’ll “have nothing to give.”