Here are the main things I learned from Ian Leslie’s book, Conflicted: How Productive Disagreements Lead To Better Outcomes. This is one of the most important books I’ve read.

-Disagreement can be beneficial, because it “exposes problems and instigates change.” You learn about what is important to each other. Conflict beyond that purpose is corrosive though.

-Kids who have a lot of disagreements with their parents are “happier, more socially adapted, and more successful at school.” But only if the disagreements are calm and the relationship is “warm and supportive.”

-Online discussions, and texting in general, is more likely to lead to misunderstandings. Because we recognize intent not only from what people say, but their eyes, posture, movement and tone of voice.

-The Golden Rule of effect communication is “make an honest human connection.” What prevents us from connecting is judgement. Be curious, instead of judging. Be interested in the other person’s point of view.

-A disagreement is like a “culture clash.” For that reason it helps to think of yourself as a visitor from a far away place with a very different culture. Instead of trying to be convincing, it’s better to try to cause “surprise and curiosity.” Be interesting.

-Assume the other person is acting in good faith. Also assume they believe they’re being rational, even if it seems like they’re not. Find some truth in what the other person is saying. This will cause you to treat them with more respect and the conversation will go better as a result.

-Chances are, the person isn’t thinking what you think they’re thinking. We’re really bad at mind-reading. One study found that the average “empathetic accuracy score” was just 22 out of 100.

-Couples get better at reading each other’s minds for the first months and years of the relationship, but eventually get worse at it. The same is true of friends, because we tend to not take into consideration new information about them. People change, but we keep looking at them through the same lens.

-The first three minutes of a conversation, set the mood for the rest of it. It’s extremely difficult to change a negative beginning to a conversation into a positive conversation. One study found that a mere 0.7 second pause before responding to an initial hello in a phone call is enough to make a conversation go badly.

-Avoid “stateless” arguments. Stateless arguments are when you forget what the argument was originally about and each response is merely a response to the last thing the other person said. Don’t let the conversation devolve into a pattern of “negative reciprocity.”

-Be very careful not to escalate. Though two parties may be responding proportionally, they may still be escalating the intensity of the argument by orders of magnitude without realizing it. React slowly to the emotions of the other person. Behave the way you want the other person to respond.

-When our strongly held beliefs are challenged, it causes activity in the same areas of the brain as physical threat. This makes us defensive and less likely to think rationally about the subject being discussed. False beliefs can actually be strengthened when pointed out. It can trigger an “identity threat,” causing the person to defend their position and attack any conflicting sources. Affirm the person’s sense of identity—give face.

-If you’re about to disagree with someone, let them know first, so it’s less likely that a “threat state” will be triggered in them.

-What feels like a verbal attack against you, might actually be a defensive reaction to a perceived attack by you. Don’t let disagreements turn into competitions. You both have to understand that the disagreement isn’t about one side winning.

-Each party needs to feel happy with the way the other is characterizing them. Your tone communicates to the other person how you see yourself in relation to them—both parties need to feel like equals. Make sure you’re not making the other person feel bad about themselves.

-Criticism can be useful as long as the parties involved agree to use it to “reach better answers.”

-Having disagreements in private helps each person “save face.” The disadvantage of doing it privately is the problem is “exposed to the scrutiny of fewer minds,” which can be especially important in the work place.

-Don’t try to control what the other person thinks and feels and avoid correcting them. Instead, ask the other person to articulate their position. This often causes people to see the flaws in their own argument and become less certain about it. They have to change their own mind. It’s okay to ask (in a non-challenging way) for evidence and ask them to consider that things might not add up. Don’t pressure the other person to talk. Even let them know it’s okay if they don’t.

-Always assume the other person is smart enough to see through any tricks you may be tempted to try. “Cleverness is stupidity.”

-When someone has a bad habit that needs to change, they usually have competing arguments in their head, for and against change. If you argue in favor of change, you might trigger their opposing argument. Allow them to talk about the issue without ever making them feel a need to defend it.

-People are more likely to accept that they might be wrong when listening to someone who seems to believe what they’re saying. However, it’s also important to admit that you could be wrong, this helps the other person let down their guard.

-Mistakes can be turned into positives if you apologize “rapidly and authentically.” It shows humility. For an apology to be effective, the other person has to see that it wasn’t easy for you to do. Apologizing a lot in a short period of time can be a negative, because it seems too easy.

-A few things you can try if a conflict isn’t going well: find a way to create positive feelings between you. Agree on something the other person isn’t expecting you to agree on. Change the subject for awhile. Change venues if you always argue in the same place.

-Persuasion is difficult, because people tend to trust their own arguments and intentions over others. Use a combination of specific examples and hard evidence. Try “re-framing,” by using different words to say the same thing. If you can’t persuade someone after “five rounds of back-and- forth” it’s unlikely you’ll be able to at all.